Christopher

Oct 24, 2018
2 min read

My First Night,

My heart was so warm and in places I had forgotten existed.

I went to sleep in the trunk of my mini cooper like a tic tac curled into a ball. I had the back seats folded down and laid down two yoga mats as makeshift sleeping pads. I was so thankful for the group of Youth Leaders camping beside me. I felt deep gratitude for the warm blankets and the lamp they had given me, and most importantly for their loving kindness.

A few hours passed and my eyes opened wide, my heart started to race and I began to panic.

My father had never hugged me for longer than 10 seconds in my life. Growing up, he would pull away from any signs of physical affection.. When I would kiss him on the cheek he would scrunch up his mouth and turn away. I would say, “I love you daddy,” and even though his response was always, “yeah, yeah,” I knew what he really meant was, “I love you too”.

When my father found me in Brazil, his arms held me to sleep every night for weeks. My father’s arms made me feel, know, and affirm, 'I am safe now.'

Now here I laid in Joshua Tree National Park, no phone service and my father was not there to protect me.

I fumbled around to find my flower headband I turned into a keychain and clicked the trunk button on my keys. I shoved open the trunk and rolled out as fast as I could. Standing up, I grounded my feet on the earth and extended my spine to look at the stars.

I could breathe.

“I am free. I am not afraid anymore,” I said to myself and opened my arms out wide.

“There are good people in this world,” I affirmed.

I looked to my left. Christopher was camped out beside me. I was not alone, but if I chose to be, I could be. Genuinely good human beings surrounded me.

I crawled back into my car, keeping the trunk wide open to breathe and feel the true freedom of the night and air. I was not afraid of bugs. No animal or thing was going to stop me now.